The weight of the world...

I have cried a little every day this week until today when it was harder to stop crying and just try and deal with life.  Everything we knew, lives we had, plans and promises, holidays, businesses, all gone in the blink of an eye.

I rang o2 today, I have about 8 contracts with them for various things for me and the kids, I wanted to tell them that I might not be able to pay all of my bills, they read out a standard statement about legal obligations and credit records and I broke down.  I also explained that if they cut me off,  I would be less likely to restart a business when this is all over.  They couldn't actually do anything to help because I'm up to date and have never missed a payment but they were grateful that I had told them.

Another small loan I have, I've stopped paying that one immediately as it's not a priority, they were understanding but reminded me that it may harm my credit record.  Honestly, when we come out of the other side of this, will any of us have a good credit record?  Can you seriously tell me there are people who're incomes aren't going to be affected by this?

Right now I am angry and overwhelmed, I'm furious that our government is helping the employed, and so they should but they've completely overlooked people like me.  I'm saddened that they could instigate mortgage holidays a few days ago but renters still get nothing, surely if it's local government-owned housing they could just suspend rents immediately.

As someone who is naturally empathic, I feel like I have the weight of the world, heavy on my shoulders and supporting women in my local business community who are in the same position as me, there are millions of us you know, the ones who bring in 330 billion pounds to the economy every year but are now scared about losing everything.

I am, at this point, worried about my mental health which, as you know, it's a difficult proposition at the best of times.  I thought I was a natural hermit but after 10 days of social isolation, I miss my best friend, I miss a little wander to the shops, small things that I will cherish once my isolation period ends next Friday.

I heard tonight, on the news, someone exclaimed "Capitalism has been put on hold" and you know what?  That's certainly something good, maybe people will realise how much we need socialism, we need to look after people when they cannot look after themselves, we need a society which works on the basis of human kindness and philanthropy and I do believe that it's in all of us, somewhere.

Next week, I start the fight back, I have some creative talents and a few good business ones thrown in for good measure so I shall sit and I shall think, what is it that I can do, which could possibly bring in some cash, and also help or cheer people, raise their spirits, educate or entertain, I need to think seriously and then take action.

I hate feeling alone and depressed, I hate feeling so anxious that it's like someone put concrete on my chest, for everything that goes into making me the person I am, at heart, I'm a happy, positive and enthusiastic (some would say excitable) person and so I know, somewhere inside me that it's my time to shine.

In the meantime, I must thank the people who have supported me, kind clients who've bought vouchers for when this is all over, brides who've paid or upgraded just because it would help, so much love and kindness.  If you, dear reader, want to buy a voucher for a photoshoot or you wanted to book me for your 2021/2022 wedding date, I'd be so thankful but also, if you cannot afford it, I also really do understand and I thank you for your kindness that you even thought about me.

We're only just at the beginning of this and I'm fearful for what comes next but by being together online, through kindness and friendship, we have a chance to heal the whole of humanity, maybe not against Coronavirus but with love and the promise of a new socialist planet.