I'm not sure I like Christmas anymore

That might be a weird and slightly shocking blog title but stay with me, I promise it's not just clickbait.

Here's the thing, I've always loved Christmas, I do love Christmas, I just don't think I like actual Christmas anymore.  You see, there's been a dawning realisation lately, Christmas day was magical when the small ones were small, we'd have Christmas Dinner on Christmas Eve and then we'd stay in pyjamas on Christmas Day and the kids would open presents until late on Christmas morning because we did Christmas big, I did Christmas big.  When Paul left 4 years ago, I sort of lost my enthusiasm, with grown up children, one of whom is autistic and doesn't do Christmas at all (he's had all of his presents already this year because he can't handle surprises).  And now, I go out on Christmas Day, a new tradition I'm thankful for, I've been adopted by Harriet's family and in writing this please don't think I appreciate it with every bone in my body but as a family we're never all together now, last year Abigail was with dad and this year, it's Looby's turn.  Both of them will be away doing things for the rest of the Christmas break and I'll spend a lot of it alone and lonely.

I suddenly got sad yesterday because I realised, the Christmas build up is nearly over and that's the thing I love most of all, once Looby's birthday is over on the 25th of September I know I have 3 months, they're the best months, business is busy and I don't have a lot of time to think and assess, I love the twinkling lights appearing in the shops and the traditions of the switch on, the putting together of our Christmas house, the trip to see Santa, the talking about how magical it's going to be but all of a sudden I can also see it ending and I've come to realise, it's not Christmas I love now, it's November and the preparation.  Christmas Day is the crescendo after all and then we just slide into a dark and deeply depressing January.

I'm thankful for my small friendship group who I'll hopefully spend some of the days with and I've told the world that my house is open to whoever would like to join me, it's certainly no lie that I love entertaining and my fridge is bursting with enough food to feed the whole of Heaton, it's seems strange that I still stockpile enough to feed an army and I'm not even home for Christmas Dinner.

Next year I need to make some life changes, I need to fix the loneliness, I need to make plans for my business and the future, however scary that may be and most of all I need to work more at fixing myself, that cavernously empty feeling inside my stomach, my head and my heart, they tell me to be happy and positive to keep helping others as much as I can but they also tell me that something is wrong.

I guess it's true to say that I yearn for the past though I wouldn't go back, I would love a huge family and always thought I would have one by now, for now I guess I'll be happy to know that someone's family loves me and I love them, that I'm open to adopting even more family members and oh, if you're out there Mr six foot elf who loves Christmas more than me, go on, jump on that magical sleigh and find me.