It's Tuesday afternoon, I'm sitting at my desk and my anxiety levels are currently about 120%, I've spent the morning taking calls and one of my biggest anxieties is using the phone, when I get stressed Reynauds phenomenon kicks in so I've also had painfully cold hands, thankfully after some lunch and a good cup of tea I'm warming up again.
You know, last year I spent about 80% of my life working and the other 20% was spent in other countries because photography and travel are the only things which don't make me anxious. Give me a camera and I can conquer the world, give me a camera in another country and I can probably rule the entire universe.
I politely declined an offer to be on the Sunday politics show speaking about home education because when I asked Looby she said "No Way" which is absolutely fair enough, I bet she wouldn't have refused an invitation to be on TV horse-riding though.
You may remember from past blogs about the crazy neighbour I used to have, the one who chased a man down the street with a knife and made me hide from my own life for a considerable period. Well just as I was moving on, it's all come to a head, he's been on remand since August but it goes to court next week, now I was planning to be there but chronic anxiety and appearing as a witness for the prosecution threatened to make me severely ill again so with the help of the court and the doctors it's looking positive that I might not have to go and fingers crossed because my last session of CBT is on Monday, not that I'm entirely sure it's worked or even what I've got out of it, maybe lifelong anxiety is something I'm just never going to be able to get over.
I wish I could train my brain to feel safe when I don't have my camera, clearly I see it as some kind of weapon against mental health and feel like a warrior when I hold it. There are aspects of my business which do make me anxious and as I've said before, I think sometimes when you are a client or customer of a business you just don't see what's going on, on the other side, sometimes we sound off at people without thinking and that's me included, you know when you have a call at the wrong time or if something didn't go well and you need to speak about it and you find yourself getting frustrated. Often we can only focus on the situation we're dealing with but I guess we need to focus on being as kind as we can to other people, even the ones we don't know as you never really can be sure what they're dealing with currently and I don't think any of us would wish to make someone poorly, either mentally or physically.
When I woke up this morning the sun was shining and upon making it into the outside world I've noted that it really does feel like spring is on the way, and so it is, it's only 7 days until the dawn of a brand new season and I for one could not be more excited about that, I love spring, I love working outdoors in spring, I love being able to leave my big coat at home and I love finally being able to go on adventures as my finances recover from the (ridiculously) long, cold, dark winter.
This year I'm looking forward to shooting more short coverage weddings, more mini photo shoots and I've just announced some special photography for life packages, I've come up with some really special packages which should sort out all of your family photography needs for the next 10 years, I don't see myself retiring any time soon and I'm not planning on leaving the country to be a digital nomad until I'm around the age of 55, Looby will be 25 by then so let's assume she'll be riding around the country on horseback whilst Abigail gives a hand to the Prime Minister to help him or her run the country and Iain, dear Iain, well let's hope he's actually figured out what he wants to do with his life by then as he'll be 32!
No comments
Post a Comment