The first time I thought about dating post marriage breakup was probably about 2 years ago, I had a look around, found out what Tinder was, went on one dodgy date with Doctor Dave and that proved that I was not ready to date anyone.
I tried again last year and after a couple of failed attempts I realised that I still wasn't ready although I did make a lovely friend from it so it's not all bad. The thing is though that men, generally freak me out, if someone approaches me in a bar, I literally try to retreat into the wallpaper or I tense up so much that it's hideously unattractive, and that's just the ones I'm not interested in. Should I, heaven forbid, see someone I actually find attractive (few and far between, I have niche tastes) I can't even speak in sentences.
On dating sites I swipe left on anyone who's too attractive feeling I'm not worthy and then I swipe left on all of the ones I'm not attracted too, let's just say it's not a huge pool of men left at the end.
I don't know how dating works now, I don't know how people meet people and even more so, I don't know how people meet people without freaking each other out!
I need to talk about a situation dear reader, I need to get this off my chest, in truth, it's late, I'm perturbed and I really don't know what to do. You see, it appears that I have landed myself in a situation...
Let me just state, if you didn't know already, that I take my Facebook friendships very seriously, it's a rare day when I add someone I haven't already formally asked if it's okay that I add them. If people add me, I usually accept assuming that I know them or in some cases, that they want to do business with me and haven't quite figured out Facebook business pages or LinkedIn.
So a man added me and then he broke into conversation like I've known him for ages, he's very civil, gave me compliments and can mostly speak in fully formed sentences. So the first problem I have is right in that sentence, I am not good at accepting compliments, compliments make me suspicious, I'm not someone who gets complimented and when it happens it instantly worries me. Also from adding someone on Facebook to treating them like you're new best friend, that's weird right? Maybe I'm in the wrong here, maybe it's perfectly acceptable and it's being brave and the 21st century equivalent of walking up to a stranger in a bar?
It's always a bit of an issue when someone reads your blog and therefore thinks they know you, I hear the same thing from Vloggers, people come up to you and start chatting like they've known you for ages because, I suppose to them, they have. I mean there's always a chance that someone out there has been reading my blog for the whole 11+ years I've been writing it, yikes, if it's you, you probably do know me better than I know myself.
Now, here's the thing, if someone just started speaking to me on Twitter every day, it would be fine, it wouldn't feel so weird because I think that's kind of what Twitter's purpose is, Facebook, and messaging someone, well that just feels intrusive to me, plus of course I'm on the back foot where someone has a greater knowledge of me and I know literally nothing about them. I did tell them they'd freaked me out and they said that they just wanted to get to know me and me to know them but is this how it actually works? Is this the way things are now? Is Facebook fair game as somewhere you look for dates?
I actually have not replied to the second message, I've written this instead, it's probably a better way to understand my innermost thoughts and I guess it's funny that I'm comfortable sharing them with the 20,000 or so of you that read my blog every month but I can't do direct person to person conversations, it's also entirely possible that I am in the wrong and this is how things are done now and I just need to get with the program.
A friend of mine, in a previous comment or message, I can't remember which but he said maybe I didn't actually want to date anyone, maybe I only ever look for someone unobtainable or set myself unachievable dating goals because actually I'm just not ready, it's more the case I think that I'm scared, maybe I'm terrified of life moving on and things changing, while there's only me there's no one to let me down, no one to tell me what to do, no one to get in the way of all of the things I've worked so hard to build up, no one to argue with, no one to shout at me or get angry, no one to hurt me ever again the way's that I've been hurt before, no one to break my heart or the pieces I've glued back together...
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