Love and Regret

I can remember the moment I fell in love with my husband, it was 15 years ago and we were on a date, Iain was there too and he met me in town, gave me flowers, took us out for dinner and watching him with Iain I just knew that I'd fallen in love with him, it took approximately 7 weeks for that to happen, the funny thing is that I think falling in love is always something you are so aware of, it hits you like a big love soaked punch in the face.  

Even at that early stage though things were not straight forward, he felt he could only tell me he loved me when he was drunk and it took a very long time for him to say it sober.  I perhaps should have seen this as a sign.

He didn't like Christmas, I am a complete addict to Christmas (I'm sure this you already know even if you've just become a regular blog reader) another sign for sure, sometimes though when you're in love you ignore warning signs because those chemicals overwhelm all sensibilities you might have an as I've already proclaimed on more than one occasion I am a woman who is most definitely ruled by my heart over my head.

You can't of course live your life having regrets because after all if it hadn't been for those 15 years I wouldn't have my beautiful daughters and they were worth every single second of pain and anguish. There were also many amazing times and I am so conscious that in those first months after separation that you can lose them to anger and pain.  I don't want to lose those stories, they're the ones I have to tell my children, my grandchildren, it's part of who I am and who they'll be, every effect has a cause after all.

I am all too aware that I don't want to become a bitter and twisted effigy of my former self, after all I've pretty much lied to myself and everyone else that I was the happiest person on the planet for a long time, the thing is that often I lied to myself so well that I did feel that I was the happiest luckiest person on the planet.

I think I was often too guilty of putting so much love and effort into my marriage that I should have just put into the relationships I had with my friends and children, I'm just glad they forgive me and are letting me make it up to them now.

I'm not sure why I felt the need to share that with you today dear reader, one day I think I shall write a book and maybe put things into proper chronological order but I think for the time being you might just have to bear with the rambled thoughts of a scatterbrained 40 year old who still feels 30 until she looks into the mirror, maybe that's why I only have 3 of them in my whole house and no full length mirrors, I'd rather not look at the whole package thank you very much.

On a lighter note the wonderful lady from Beagle Welfare came yesterday and yay, it looks like we can have a Beagle as soon as the right one needs a new home and a lot of love, I'm so happy about this as are all of the children.

Oh and one more thing, after looking at my blog stats I found that I'm being discussed on a Sunderland supporters forum, I clicked off after the first page but if you're reading this, no it's not HDR crap, I don't use special software and if it was on the front of a Nanna's magazine then it would be the best damn Nanna's magazine that there is, also it's Nanna, not Nana!

Have a fabulous Sunday everyone, find some fake snow and pretend you're in a movie blizzard!

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