This weekend dear reader has been such a mix of emotions and I guess this is going to continue, for so very long I've been a happy and positive person, the fact is that even though our relationship had been in trouble for quite some time I was still happy, I think I'm just someone who refuses to be anything other than happy, yes I really am that stubborn.
The truth is that our relationship was ill, it was like a cluster of termites eating the way through the foundations of our relationship slowly. Because it's the 4th consecutive year I'd ended up on my own when Sept/Oct hit we were all more prepared for it than we gave ourselves credit.
I do not wish this blog to become a bitter dissection of a troubled marriage, I have no bitterness, no anger, no wish to place blame, I'm sad, my heart hurts and I feel lonely, but in the corners of the darkness I'd felt that anyway. In the end it was relief because I never would have made the move but I know it perhaps went on for 2 years longer than it should have. We tried marriage guidance, I still think that's a recommended path when you hit the bumpy bits you might not be able to steer yourself over.
Our girls are ok, they're hurting but they still have 2 parents who love them and care for them and will do anything they can for them and as for Iain, he has me and as I've said before, one awesome parent is really all any child needs.
I've written now for the last 10 years, I've opened up about my mental health, my troubled childhood with a dysfunctional mentally unwell mother, (who is still actively stalking my children and I) my business, my family, my life. I always figured that there are others out there in similar situations who might just need to read something and know they're not alone.
I guess my biggest challenge will be redefinition, both of myself and of my business and life goals, my business will continue to grow and thrive but I will take on an ever decreasing amount of weddings, I love them but I can only do so much and my family portraiture business is sizeable now and my girls come along with me when I photograph kids and family so it's the perfect single parent career. I want to focus more on writing and blogging, and my book? Well that's the biggest question I have yet to answer, for now I need to be there for my children as much as I possibly can be, I'm not sure spending time alone in a hotel room is the thing I need or indeed they need right now.
I've already started new beginnings, I've rearranged furniture, I've put up new photographs and paintings and room by room I hope to redecorate and redefine the space which surrounds us, and photos, new family photos, I really want to do that, I've shot portraits for people redefining their families and I've always thought it such an important healing thing to do so I want to do that myself for the children and I.
Friends are the most important thing, the messages of support have simply been amazing and last night when the kids were away I got to go out again for the first time in 2 years for a night of fun and laughter, it felt strange and weird, a brave new world, a world I don't quite understand yet but that I'm sure I'll fit into one day soon.
I have not stopped believing in true love, soul mates or life long relationships, Plato said "All love is pursuit of the whole" and I still believe that one day I'll find someone who will love and embrace all that I am and in turn I will with them, never give up hope, never!
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