Tammy Wynette dear reader, she sang about it didn't she? "D-I-V-O-R-C-E" although she also sang about standing by her man, bit of a mixed message there then ;)
Yesterday I agreed to let Paul divorce me on grounds of irreconcilable differences, lets just take a moment to think about that, we had issues so deep that we simply couldn't meet in the middle or make compromises so that we could stay together. I think that might be true somewhat but then I would have kept trying. It seems strange to me that I couldn't sort out a problem with the person I called my soul-mate and my best friend. Of course it's just language solicitors use so that you can get a divorce when your relationship fails but it's no ones fault. I don't really agree with that either as I think I tried to love as much as I could love every single day of our entire relationship. I don't fully understand the need for the expediency of the process although I do understand we need time to heal and recognise the need to move on, we seem to have been able to retain some kind of friendship even at this early stage and that makes me feel happy because we need to be a strong unit together or apart for our children.
Our girls have been dealing with things in their own way, Looby is remarkably unscathed but then she's happy and hopeful, that's how she lives, the message I've given her every day since I took a vow of positivity in 2008 worked, you can't find anyone more positive than Looby. I do though wish I could say the same for Abigail though as she's really struggling, my poor daughter is depressed and because she deals with emotions inwardly and feels she can't express them and doesn't trust anyone enough to share them (and because she's 12 and full of destructive hormones) she's really very angry and the mood swings are gargantuan. I've told her though that if she needs to be angry then she can shout and scream at me and tell me she hates me and that it's all my fault and I'll take it and I won't stop loving her even for a second. She's still resisting going to the doctors and she's been told that if she doesn't go to school today then we're going to get in trouble so I feel like I can't protect her from this world in the way that I'd like, how can you send your child to school when she feels like she's covered in a pile of bricks, that she doesn't have the strength to get out of bed, that she wants to curl into a ball under the covers and never come out? I so wish I was in the place that I feel I am now, 10 years ago, I would have home educated and I would have known so many others doing the same thing. I didn't then of course and I was struggling with my own mental health at the time.
I don't know what lies ahead for my daughters, my son and I but all I can do is tell them I love them 10 times, 20 times, 50 times a day if they need it, if you have children tell them you love them, that they're the best little people (or big people) in the whole world, tell them every day how valued they are, lift them up and embrace them so that they feel whole and unbroken and ready to be able to face anything, if you do that and there are hard times you will have given them the tools they need to cope with the tricky waters they're going to to sail through.
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