Here were are 2 weeks on dear reader, trying to get along with life and feeling quite frankly that nothing is really improving and more so in some respects things are getting worse, just like Neil Sedaka sang, Breaking up really is very hard to do.
It's so hard to try and remember that there are things which are beyond your control and things which are no longer your responsibility, it's really hard to shut your brain off and not worry when the person you've spent so many years with but who hurt you so badly over and over comes to you a shell of their former self and says they can't cope with their kids, their dog, themselves, I think in retrospect I should have just refused any help or conversation but that's not me and when you are worried for the sanity of someone you just have to do what you can do to make sure they're ok and that they're going to get proper medical and mental health help as soon as they possibly can.
Life is so complicated because I'm not just sharing it with someone who decided they didn't want to be here anymore, I'm also sharing it with that persons mistress, paranoia.
Paranoia is a horrible and terrible illness, I've seen her in action before, she strips away the rational and replaces it with some of the craziest things you can imagine, things which the ordinary person would reject as pure fantasy but for the person with paranoia in their heads it's so difficult to do anything but sympathise, empathise and try to help that person regain some kind of reasoned thinking.
My mental health in all of this has been remarkably stable, I think the fact that I've never tried to hide it away or pretend it doesn't exist and furthermore that I openly speak about it helps immensely but I do empathise with those who feel they can't admit it because they feel it would mean admitting that they too suffer from the same human conditions as the rest of us.
My plans for the immediate future have had to change and that's fine by me, for every minute I am not working I shall be there with my children, my dog, my cats, the people and creatures who cannot exist without some input from me, I shall embrace each and every one even if they fight against it, Abigail for instance told me she hated me about 6 or 7 times just in the space of an evening but I'm used to it, she always apologises and I know she's struggling so hard to understand the change and her own demons, it's difficult enough to deal with a simple straightforward life when you are 12 going on 13 (or what feels like 23 when it comes to Abigail who's been grown up since she was 2 in her opinion). I know she loves me really and she's just struggling to come to terms with everything.
My life as I knew it is over and my life as it will be hasn't begun yet, everything is on hold, I am in limbo just waiting and reacting to every new situation which unfolds and evolves, it's hard but I remind myself that one day things will be fabulous again, I'll go out on my own with friends and have fun, I'll laugh with gay abandon and I won't have to worry about anyone but me (and maybe the kids and animals because you do that don't you, whether they're 6 or 66?). Whilst I'd be a lot happier to forge onwards to a brave new future I'm not going to let the limbo get me down, I try to smile every day, I hug my children and my animals who make my heart smile at every opportunity.
Today, if you're hurting, you feel your life is on hold or you are living in limbo please take a moment to find something lovely to smile about, it doesn't matter how small it is but almost certainly by letting some sunshine into your soul you'll be ensuring the protection of your own mental health and if you can't find anything to smile about I'll give you this one, my dog, Social Media Petunia using Facebook of course!
Have a good day today!
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