Clinging on to sanity for dear life.

I need to write this so I have a permanent record and to try and get my head straight for fear that if I don't I'll be in a bi-polar spiral quicker than you can say "grab some Lithium" I don't actually take Lithium by the way, I didn't want to when all the consequences and side-effects were explained to me. anyway thats by the by.

I took the vitriolic letter from my parents to my therapist yesterday, we spent an hour discussing it and reached the conclusion that my families love for me is completely conditional on me towing the family line, this of course is no surprise for my mum and dad but to say this for my granny is a shock, however it's also completely true. My therapist said that my family would probably step up pressure until we either broke all ties with them or we gave in, the second isn't really an option though because if I do it again, it's just going to go on and on and on, the way it has my entire life.

So Iain rang his grandma to ask her to sponsor him last night whereupon she asked him when he would get the money, he said he would collect it at the weekend when he went with the girls, at this point she gives the phone to dad who proceeds to tell Iain that they won't be seeing him again until they can see them seperately. So Paul who is steaming mad grabs the phone and asks them just what they're playing at, the upshot is unless we cave they want nothing more to do with us or their grandchildren. Paul tried to get a emergency type meeting set up where they can come accross here and see the children over the weekend but of course thats no good as Mum refuses to come to our house. you know, if it was my grandchildren, I would travel to the ends of the earth to see them even if it was only for 5 minutes. So in the end I grab the phone, tell my dad that they need to grow up, get some therapy and that I'm not ever letting them hurt our children or mess with their feelings again.

We sat the children down last night and explained as best we could what was going on, obviously Iain and Abigail were upset, Looby bless her hasn't a clue whats going on. Oh and of course granny won't have us at her house because we're so wicked so the children won't see her either.

I haven't cried about this though I've been near to tears ever since, the thing is that if I do start crying I just don't know if I would stop.

During my childhood and adulthood my parents have done some terrible and abusive things to me, things which have affected me through my whole life but I always say, you start messing with my children and thats another matter entirely.

I write this today with a heavy heart and I guess I start to mourn the loss of my family and face the facts before me. I thank God for the wonderful husband and children, for the glorious friendships which without my mothers interference I have been atlast able to make, it may take a while but we'll get there in the end.

Thanks for listening.