feeling blue

I'm having a depression day today, I slept on the settee last night trying to clear my head but it didn't work, it happens all the time, I can go from elated to mad depression all in one day. My mother always said I was Bi-polar, she would send me to the doctors to demand a psychiatrist so she could have confirmation, she did it a couple of times, the first occasion the doctor laughed at me and then referred me to the psychiatrist who said I had depression, the second time the doctor took me more seriously and referred me to my current psychiatrist who I don't see often enough because I forget to go or I can;t face going out the house on that day. When I went for my initial assessment the psychiatrist said that if I were in america he could probably diagnose me with mild bi-polar manic depression but in this country we only recognise the more severe form, i.e you either have it or you don't, i.e you have to paint your house purple in a manic creative state in the morning and try and kill yourself in the afternoon. I have never done that, I do however have many of the characteristics, my psychiatrist says they'll probably never reach an accurate diagnosis as I present different symptoms at different times, I have agoraphobia but only in so much as I won't go out on m own, sometimes I won't go out at all, it just depends. I have characteristics of Aspergers, my son has aspergers, I got diagnosed with that last year but since then he's not sure again, maybe I am in that category in the dmv4, you know the diagnostic thingy for mental illness, maybe I am in the other box, whatever though it doesn't really help me get better. I take anti-depressants, not your traditional SSRI's but the NSRI, thats a Noradrenaline selective re-uptake inhibitors, they make me feel more awake and they are supposed to make me want to do things more, I have been on them for about 3 and a half years now and they are the best anti-depressants I have taken except they don't deal with the very bad times or stop the manic times. I was tested for my suitability to take lithium but I can;t even go there, they put lithium in batteries you know, I may be many things but I'm not Duracell :D

So today I feel low, I have low self esteem, bad self image and Paul (who is not to blame) doesn't make me feel better. I guess I'll be back on the rollercoaster soon but who knows for how long, I was manic on Tuesday when I decided to take the doggy in, I was depressed and went to bed all afternoon on Wednesday, I was ok wednesday night and up high again yesterday and then back to being low again by last night.

Will I ever be completely better, I just don't know that, I have been this way for as long as I can remember, one the reasons I don'thave my own bank account is because I go mad and I spend all the money for bills on the kids, on craft stuff, on paul just to give me that feeling better thing, Paul took my bank account off me a year ago and he turned things around but then lately I spent from his account, I ended up in trouble again, hence i now try and sell stuff on ebay to fund paypal which in turn funds purchases for crafty stuff etc. On one hand I am so capable, I make things happen when I need to, I try and be a good mum but on the other hand some days I can barely look after myself and I am always a terrible housekeeper and wife, no wonder then that Paul just gets so despondant with me and of course it doesn't help that he has his own mental health issues.

Don't you just hate mental health, you look ok to everyone therefore you must be ok, I wish it was more visible sometimes, like a rash or something so that when I do have bad days I could say to the doctors or the government "hey look I have that rash again"

Todays slightly jumbled message is that if we all try and understand mental health a little more maybe it will be easier for those of use who have to face it on a daily basis. Just because someone doesn't look disabled or depressed on the outside doesn't mean they are not.