Happy Mothers Day

I want to wish all of you who are mums and read my blog a very happy Mothers day, i hope that you are feeling loved and pampered and valued today, I hope that if you have a mum that you have spoken to her and told her that you love her today. I haven't spoken to mine yet and doubt I will, Paul took my present up for her yesterday and she didn't want to accept it but did begrudgingly in the end, I'm not ringing though as she quite blatently dislikes me, she's told me that enough over the years quote "You are our daughter, we just don't like you very much" and that was one of her nicer comments. I always find that I feel like I'm not a good enough parent and wife because of that, i guess if you spend your life being told how awful you are then you start to think it eventually.

I'm trying so har to be positive today but I wonder how it is that when we argue mum and granny gang together but she never sticks up for me, she and granny have a good relationship and granny would do anything for her (even though she says awful things about granny behind her back) but i have no mother daughter relationship and whenever I try she says she doesn't want one with me, it's days like this I feel sad about that, when things are fine I call her all the time just to chat and she often can;t get off the phone quick enough, she never of course calls in return. She said the ways she feels now that we wouldn't even be allowed in the house if it weren't for the children.

You know what I have so many problems with people and I think it might be me, I think it must be, I must upset them without knowing what I am doing. By my own admission I'm not that great at maintaining friendships because I won't go out on my own and I hate using the phone and some days I can't even get as far as picking the damned thing up. I do genuinely care about all of my friends very much, I'm just not very good at saying it, so if you are looking in and you know me personally, then those cyber flowers are for you my dearest friends, I'm far from perfect but I do have a good heart and I would never intentionally hurt anyone. Blimey I really need to see my psychiatrist again, I have an appointment on Friday and I have a feeling there might be an increase in my meds coming up, I'm sick of my own self at the moment, no wonder poor Paul is at his wits end with me. The thing is though for all his wonderful qualities he's not the most sensitive of souls and often when I need to hear things he says the opposite and i feel worse, i guess if I knew what I needed myself that would be a good start. I'm into my second year on the waiting list for Psychotherapy, hopefully only another year to go, I have soooo many issues!

Have a great day whatever you do and remember go tell someone you love them, they might really need to hear it.